These are the exact words used by my friend with bipolar disorder,”Mental Illness Hurts Horribly But You Just Cannot See IT!” Today I will share my conversation with this 50 year old woman who has struggled all her life with bipolar disorder and co-existing issues. This is her very sad, troubling story and the worst part is that all these fears and emotions which started as a young child are still crippling her 50th year of life! But first, what is bipolar disorder?
What Is Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar disorder or bipolar affective disorder (historically known as manic–depressive disorder or manic depression) is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. It affects a person’s mental well-being, physical health, relationships and behaviour.
Wikipedia says, “It is a psychiatric diagnosis for a mood disorder in which people experience disruptive mood swings. In bipolar disorder people experience abnormally elevated (manic or hypomanic) mood states which interfere with the functions of ordinary life. Many people with bipolar disorder also experience periods of depressed mood. The diagnosis of bipolar disorder can be complicated by coexisting (comorbid) psychiatric conditions.”
What Illnesses Often Co-exist with Bipolar Disorder?
The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) web site says, “Anxiety disorders, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and social phobia, also co-occur often among people with bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder also co-occurs with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which has some symptoms that overlap with bipolar disorder, such as restlessness and being easily distracted.
True Story of a Friend with Bipolar Disorder
I can never remember being normal. I have always felt different and shunned by my friends and their families. Lorna, I still cry my heart out when I think of the cruel ways I have been treated since childhood.
DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD
When I was old enough to be allowed to go to our neighbor’s house to play, many days I was simply turned away. I would go to the house and ask the mom if I could come in and play. Remembering her answer still pierces my heart,”No, no one is here to play with you today.” And in the background I could hear all the whispering and snickering from the hidden kids who thought I was too weird to play with. They did play with me from time to time but chose the time when it suited them. It hurt me so much then and it STILL hurts today!
HATED SCHOOL
I always hated school. Every morning my stomach hurt so much, I could not eat and I felt really sick. At school I was constantly in a panic and I was so scared because everyone who dealt with me was so angry “with my foolishness”. I felt out of place and so odd next to the popular, normal kids. My stomach ache never subsided. At noontime in the cafeteria, the kitchen staff and teachers supervising lunch time growled at me to EAT when it was the last thing I could do with the stomach-churning HURT even clutching my throat.
ALMOST NO PROFESSIONAL HELP
Finally my parents took me for professional help. It was very complicated just getting to the office in town. It was an hour’s drive away. My mother could not drive and my father was away fishing for long periods of time. My appointments were not very helpful. In the end it was joked about that I simply had “Schoolitess” and I would eventually grow out of it.
SUICIDE
I was hurting so bad, MY ONLY WISH WAS FOR MY MISERABLE LIFE TO END and I was not yet ten! I remember when I was just a little girl in the first years at school, I would purposely throw myself on the ground or hurt myself physically in other ways just for the BIG HURT to go away.
NO SLEEP
I have never been able to sleep normally. When I was just a child, I would curl up in bed, scared stiff and not wanting to sleep, not wanting another terrible night to start. When I saw the light of another day through the curtains, a wave of panic and hopelessness flooded over me and I dreaded even more getting up to face another miserable day than going to sleep.
NO FRIENDS
I have lost all my friends. Usually when someone is sick, friends and family rally round to comfort and help. This is not so if you have mental health problems. YOU MUST SUFFER ALONE.
Since the day I was first admitted to the psychiatric unit of the hospital, my whole social life has never been the same. After it became common knowledge that my mental state had hospitalized me, I was never invited to reunions of the old school gang and even a chance meeting on the street resulted in a stiff, unnatural conversation. I had previously worked at the same hospital where I was hospitalized and even the nursing staff I knew very well circled around me as if I was invisible. Can you imagine how it feels when even close friends do not want to look you in the eyes!
FEEL LIKE A FAILURE
I am so tired. I see no end at all in sight. I cannot fight anymore. I feel like such a failure. None of the people I am seeing for support seem to have time to coordinate my meds or my care. Some health care professionals even contradict another’s way of treating me so I have lost all faith in the whole system. Some days my best advice comes from the friendly pharmacist who sees me across a counter with customers lined up behind me.
BIPOLAR DISORDER ROBBED ME OF EVERYTHING
My bipolar disorder has robbed me of my marriage, my home, my many attempts at keeping jobs, my enjoyment of any kind of life, my friends, my hobbies, my health …I am a disaster, a complete mess. After years of fighting “LIFE” and the “SYSTEMS” I was given a disability pension because I simply cannot keep a job even though I have tried many different ones. I went back to school to study a different type of work hoping it would be better…it is not the jobs it is ME. Most months I do not even have enough food after I pay my rent.
No one can say I did not try. I tried so many medications and suffered through so many side effects. Once when they removed me from one medication, I was so ill they admitted me to the psychiatric unit and for days I thought I was going to die.
SIDE EFFECTS OF MEDICATIONS
Look, long term use of one of my meds has made me loose many teeth and left the others in very poor shape. One medication caused a tumor on my Pituitary gland and my whole system became so out of sync that I was lactating while I was dealing with menopause. I went from 125 lbs to 185 lbs AND now back to about a 100 lbs which is underweight for my height.
Some days I am in such a depressed mood that I feel like sleeping and crying all day and 
cannot remember anything or where I put things. I cannot even take a shower or bath because it seems like too much work. I am so scared and anxious when I have to take a shower or bath that I cannot put one foot in front of the other.
Other days, my manic phase, I go like a bat in hell. I do not sleep either day or night. My mind and body are like a revved up engine. I bulldoze through my day with no rime or reason trying to do a million things at once…without thinking it out first nor thinking of the consequences of my actions.
LIFE SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD!
Four days ago I finally had an appointment with my doctor. Lorna, listen to this:
Doctor: Are you feeling suicidal?
Friend: YES! I am so, so tired. It can’t go on like this. I don’t know where to turn.
Doctor: Do you think often of killing yourself?
Friend: YES! More than ever because I have lost all hope that I can get better
Doctor: Will you promise me you will not take your life.
Friend: (Too dumb founded and almost stunned) Ahhh , yes I guess.
Doctor: Good we have a contract. Nothing will happen and I will schedule our next visit in 2 MONTHS!!!
Who can help me now when even my doctor won’t? I can understand when I was a child 45 yrs ago that there was no help but why is it still like this now?
Helpful Mental Health Resource –
Read Special Needs Book Reviews and Interviews:
- Defying Mental Illness 2013 Edition: Recovery with Community Resources and Family Support
- Review of 1st edition of Defying Mental Illness
- Interview with Andrea Schroer about Defying Mental Illness
- Interview with Paul Komarek, Co-author of Defying Mental Illness
- Schizophrenia: A Blueprint for Recovery by Milt Greek
4 Comments
I feel like I wrote the above message…
I have said to people time after time, you just can’t see it!!!..
When my illness of Bipolar graduated into a more serious form, it was then, that I to was completely ostracized and treated like a leper, or patronized and humiliated from so called friends that I one time considered trust worthy. I also came from an abusive upbringing, which in its self, always made me feel not part of and I am 52 years old as of Jan 12th 2013
however…
My motto now is, the disease is easy…what makes it so hard, is the utter ‘prejudice” inflicted upon all of us, from the so-called “normal” people from our “sick” society.
and I will never let any of these “sick” individuals hurt me anymore…these individuals, have ranged from Dr.s family members and former friends of 25 years…
to anyone who reads this and is hurting, I beg of you to say, today is my day, today, I celebrate myself and I congratulate myself for being such a “survivor” and will never let the impaired ability, of these so called normal people to feel standard empathy impair me, in my quest, to being the best person, that I can possibly be. I will learn from these losers in society and within my life and
Everyday I will be so, so, grateful for not being like they are.
My heart goes out to you all and stand firm, it is them, NOT US!!!
One more time….it is them, NOT US!! and say “us” for you are not alone…
here is my email address for anyone who needs to talk
furtherfarthest@yahoo.ca
Thank you Dick for sharing your story with us and offering your email for readers who need to talk to someone who understands what they are going through. All the best to you. Lorna
Reading about your struggles throughout your life brought tears to my eyes I too have struggled and I continue to struggle 25 long years I worked as a nurse for 12 years I excelled at faking a smile every day. As the years went on exhaustion from fighting to keep my mind straight as I struggled to perform my job caught up with me. I was no longer the woman who could run an entire office on her own do it with finesse. Although it was known in the office that I suffered with bipolar disorder I never discussed my symptoms nor my feelings with co workers. The real pain came when these women that I have worked side by side with, who I considered close friends for 12 years, people who know who I am, who know the type of mother I am, women who I had spent 8 hours a day 7 days a week with after noticing the changes in my job performance due to being manic and unable to complete a single thought in my head began to gossip amongst each other, concluding their own diagnosis of my mental decline and after knowing that I am a respectable woman with morals concluded that I most be abusing illegal drugs. Professional women who obviously are completely ignorant to effects of bipolar disorder could not explain my behavior as anything other than illegal drugs, that may I add have never even attempted to explore in my life. I fell into a depression and became so weak that I couldn’t even fight to defend my reputation I eventually lost my job due to the fact that I was excessively I’ll. Although I have my own ideas as to the truth behind my termination. I feel as though this illness has stolen my life from me. I fight like a champion on a daily basis but I feel that I am beginning to lose my battle. The fight has literally drained every ounce of energy that I was conserving out of me. I am angry because I tried to remain positive all these years, I had worked so very hard to get to where I was in my career, I suffered in silence with my illness so that I appeared to be as normal as everyone else in fear of being judged only to have my reputation destroyed by people who could never imagine the sadness I feel when I remember the woman I was only a few years ago compared to who this horrible illness has left me. I just want people to know I that if people who suffer with a mental illness had a little me compassion, a little more understanding, a little more respect from the people that they are surrounded by they just might be able to muster up some strength they didn’t think they had left to put on a smile and hold their heads up with dignity and strive to have a better day than the one before
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